Now my prayer of asking God to search me turned to one of repentance. I saw how easily I felt superior as the wronged one and saw the other as one dimensional in terms of their offense. I remembered how I appeared to offer mercy but sometimes knew it was self-righteous mercy. How perhaps I'd made a little comment or remark here or there in the guise of warning people or me seeking Sympathy by sharing my hurt. And I saw how sometimes these little hurts were as much about my insecurity and wounded pride as they were about the actual perceived wrong.

I drew a big cross over the list the names and I asked for God's help to truly forgive. In Luke 17 when the disciples were told they were to forgive 70 times 7, meaning indefinitely, they cried, increase our faith. I needed to pray that over and again. See we can't just start with prayer we must live in prayer. That is part of becoming the kind of people who readily forgive. Only as I live in continual communication with God can the words of Matthew 5 earlier in Christ's Sermon on the Mount, become not just a dream but a reality. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. That's not easy, there is a price. And on my own forgiveness will usually only result in empty words while I replay the recordings of the wrong. I need the cross. I need Jesus.